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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Time In Outer Space Lengthens Worms' Lives

A study of microscopic worms taken aboard the International Space Station found that the suppression of several genes during their exposure to a microgravity environment resulted in longer life spans. What do you think?

  • “Is there a way I could send my old pal Tapey up there? I’d sure like to be able to give her a few more years.”

    Marie Mercincavage Health Care Researcher
  • “Or you can keep them in the fridge and they'll live longer that way, too.”

    Luke Fehrenbach Unemployed
  • “The numbers are great, but I'm more concerned about worm quality of life.”

    Liz Ryder Addiction Specialist

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