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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Time In Outer Space Lengthens Worms' Lives

A study of microscopic worms taken aboard the International Space Station found that the suppression of several genes during their exposure to a microgravity environment resulted in longer life spans. What do you think?

  • “Is there a way I could send my old pal Tapey up there? I’d sure like to be able to give her a few more years.”

    Marie Mercincavage Health Care Researcher
  • “Or you can keep them in the fridge and they'll live longer that way, too.”

    Luke Fehrenbach Unemployed
  • “The numbers are great, but I'm more concerned about worm quality of life.”

    Liz Ryder Addiction Specialist

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