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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Toads Can Predict Earthquakes

After studying toads in a dry lake bed in Italy, a British doctoral candidate discovered that toad behavior may be an indicator of earthquakes. What do you think?

  • "Well, they certainly seem to have difficulty predicting when my car hits them."

    Jasmine Wray Kiln Operator
  • "Additionally, when one measures how deeply they're embedded into trees, toads can be a great indicator of tornado wind speed."

    Martin Halliwell Public Improvement Inspector
  • "Why do we need toads to warn us when we can just prevent God's wrathful earthquakes by rejecting basic civil rights for homosexuals? Or is that hurricanes?"

    Hank Miller Systems Analyst

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