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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Toads Can Predict Earthquakes

After studying toads in a dry lake bed in Italy, a British doctoral candidate discovered that toad behavior may be an indicator of earthquakes. What do you think?

  • "Well, they certainly seem to have difficulty predicting when my car hits them."

    Jasmine Wray Kiln Operator
  • "Additionally, when one measures how deeply they're embedded into trees, toads can be a great indicator of tornado wind speed."

    Martin Halliwell Public Improvement Inspector
  • "Why do we need toads to warn us when we can just prevent God's wrathful earthquakes by rejecting basic civil rights for homosexuals? Or is that hurricanes?"

    Hank Miller Systems Analyst

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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