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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Tobacco-Addiction Center Found

Scientists have located the part of the brain linked to cigarette addiction. What do you think?
  • "What a great day for humanity. Pretty soon, none of our shitty behavior will be our fault."

    Arthur Quigle Scrap-Yard Worker
  • "If it's the brain that's responsible and not the nicotine, we all have some major-tobacco-company apologizing to do."

    Lacey Janson Pilot
  • "Great! So could you hit that part with a board or pipe for me? Because I'm really needing a fix right now."

    Omar Abbas Construction Worker
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