Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.
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Tobacco Company Liability

In a landmark case last week, a federal judge ruled that cigarette manufacturer R.J. Reynolds is not liable in the lung-cancer death of a longtime smoker. What do you think?
  • "The ones they ought to be going after are the bastards who make the matches."

    Steve Rydell Painter
  • "I, personally, would like to thank Philip Morris for the death of my unwanted fetus."

    Vicki Otterman Secretary
  • "It would be different if someone had made it perfectly clear that smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy."

    Lisa Winters Biologist
  • "My dad died of loneliness. If only there was one person, just one single, solitary person that I could sue."

    Chris Saxon Tuba Player
  • "Life's too short for hate. Instead, let's think about all the good things the tobacco companies have done."

    Timothy Kolkos Firefighter
  • "The cigarette companies should all be found liable and made to pay. Except for Virginia Slims—they were just doing their part for women's rights."

    Randy Ordonez Systems Analyst

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