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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Today’s Kids Take 1.5 Mins Longer To Run Mile Than ’80s Kids

The American Heart Association found that children today take 90 seconds longer to run a mile than did children 30 years ago, with researchers attributing 30 to 60 percent of the decline in running performance to kids’ increasing fat mass. What do you think?

  • “Being able to move your body just isn’t relevant to today’s kids.”

    Billy Heimann Unemployed
  • “The ’80s were a special time filled with fast times and even faster kids.”

    Heather Webster Pipe Cutter
  • “Yeah, but kids back then had the advantage of three-stripe knee-high socks.”

    Rock Kahn Private Eye Detective

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