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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Tom DeLay Resigns

Amidst mounting accusations and criminal charges of ethics violations, former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay announced yesterday that he is resigning from his post. What do you think?
  • "What does this man have to look forward to? Some multimillion-dollar consulting position at a mega-corporation? I hope he's on suicide watch."

    Amanda Marcotte Systems Analyst
  • "I don't know how Democrats will fail to capitalize on this GOP debacle, but I'm sure they'll find a way."

    Moulitsas Zíniga Produce Vendor
  • "Termites, rodents, and ants beware: Your 20-year free pass is over."

    John Amato Dietician
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