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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Tom Hiddleston Apologizes For Golden Globes Speech

After his Golden Globes acceptance speech was criticized for its latent insult to the people of South Sudan, actor Tom Hiddleston has publicly apologized, saying he meant to praise rather than marginalize them. What do you think?

  • “Okay, now it’s the South Sudanese people’s turn to apologize.”

    Betty Nalon Marinade Expert
  • “I didn’t watch, but I’ll start hating him if you tell me to.”

    Justin Potacki Gutter Painter
  • “This is what we get for demanding that performers improvise their speeches rather than preparing them beforehand.”

    Richie Greene Nutrition Enforcer

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