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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Tom Hiddleston Apologizes For Golden Globes Speech

After his Golden Globes acceptance speech was criticized for its latent insult to the people of South Sudan, actor Tom Hiddleston has publicly apologized, saying he meant to praise rather than marginalize them. What do you think?

  • “Okay, now it’s the South Sudanese people’s turn to apologize.”

    Betty Nalon Marinade Expert
  • “I didn’t watch, but I’ll start hating him if you tell me to.”

    Justin Potacki Gutter Painter
  • “This is what we get for demanding that performers improvise their speeches rather than preparing them beforehand.”

    Richie Greene Nutrition Enforcer

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