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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Tongue Stud May Cause Tooth Gap

A case study in the Journal Of Clinical Orthodontics showed that over a period of seven years, a young woman playing with her tongue stud inadvertently caused a gap to form between her front teeth. What do you think?

  • "Who cares? In seven years we'll all be so old anyway."

    Eileen Nahem Cashier
  • "If you're going to put something roundish and irritating on your tongue for that long, why not make it a microscopic pebble? At least you'll eventually produce a pearl."

    Renaldo Gonzalez Systems Analyst
  • "Seven years? But the Omar Sharif look-alike contest is this weekend!"

    Kevin Tessler Delivery Driver

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