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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Tongue Stud May Cause Tooth Gap

A case study in the Journal Of Clinical Orthodontics showed that over a period of seven years, a young woman playing with her tongue stud inadvertently caused a gap to form between her front teeth. What do you think?

  • "Who cares? In seven years we'll all be so old anyway."

    Eileen Nahem Cashier
  • "If you're going to put something roundish and irritating on your tongue for that long, why not make it a microscopic pebble? At least you'll eventually produce a pearl."

    Renaldo Gonzalez Systems Analyst
  • "Seven years? But the Omar Sharif look-alike contest is this weekend!"

    Kevin Tessler Delivery Driver

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