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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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Tonight Show Features Live Ad

Tuesday's broadcast of The Tonight Show included a live commercial, its first since 1995. What do you think?
  • "It's amazing how TiVo has revolutionized the way we avoid watching commercials. Can you believe I actually used to go to the bathroom?"

    Gretchen Eiger
    Animal Rights Advocate
  • "That certainly is an innovative new approach to advertising in the TiVo era, but even more amazing than that is Pepcid AC. Did you know that you can take Pepcid AC up to an hour before you eat to prevent heartburn?"

    Alex DuBrow
    Steam Fitter
  • "Finally, something fresh on Leno."

    Bruce Luxembourg
    Laser Eye Surgeon

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