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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Too Much Integrity?

Some people say The Onion may have too much integrity for the Pulitzer Board to award it a prize. What do you think?

  • "Whoa, hold on, that is grossly inaccurate! All people say that, not just some."

    Paula Danky Systems Analyst
  • "True, but The Onion also has more conviction, sense, class, and moral character than the Pulitzer Board, so it's hard to know which deficiency is responsible for the prize committee’s cowardly negligence in award-giving year in and year out."

    Danny Hinzo Hair Stylist
  • "Probably. Integrity is like beauty: too little and nobody will look at you, too much and everybody wants to fuck you."

    Lou Smallwood Water Tender

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