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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Too Sexy Too Soon?

A new wave of sultry teen pop princesses, including Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Mandy Moore, are drawing fire from concerned parents, who say they present inappropriately sexualized images to little girls who look up to them. What do you think?
  • "I think it's terrible when 16-year-old girls dress up in belly-baring tank tops and tight little skirts. I hate those jailbait cock-teasers."

    Ben Manwell Forklift Operator
  • "Teenagers shouldn't have constant access to sexual images on MTV. They should jerk off to nudie magazines hidden under their mattresses like a normal person."

    Jerome Koepp Systems Analyst
  • "When I was a teen, things weren't like they are today. We had to use our imaginations to picture Petula Clark naked."

    James Reul Histopathologist
  • "These teen singers send young girls the message that if they dress and act provocatively, they will meet with approval from males and go further in life. How ridiculous."

    Janet Schnorr Family Therapist
  • "It was entirely inappropriate for Britney Spears to wear that see-through Catholic schoolgirl outfit in my masturbation fantasy last night."

    John Arvold Locksmith
  • "Kids aren't growing up too fast. My 10-year-old daughter loves Britney Spears, and I trust her not to go all the way with her live-in boyfriend."

    Lynn Phelan Nurse's Aide
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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