Too Sexy Too Soon?

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Vol 36 Issue 05

New Mommy A Lot Prettier

BUTLER, PA—According to Courtney and Brady Leuchter, their new mommy doesn't even make them turn off the Nintendo.

Woman Doomed To Years Of Hippo-Themed Gifts

JACKSONVILLE, FL–Remarking, "Oh, I love hippos!" upon receiving a birthday gift of a porcelain hippopotamus, area resident Karen Voldstead doomed herself to a lifetime of hippo-themed gifts Monday. "I don't even know why I said it," said Voldstead, 24, shortly after receiving the small statuette from a coworker. "I don't especially like hippos. I guess I was just trying to find something nice to say since I didn't really like it." The next day at work, Volstead received several "belated" birthday gifts, including a stuffed hippo, a rollerskating-hippo coffee mug, and a hippo-shaped doorstop.

World Gets First-Ever Look Inside Greenspan Fantasy Ranch

YORBA LINDA, CA–In an exclusive, first-ever peek inside the fabled estate, CNNfn cameras were allowed onto the grounds of Fiscalypso, Federal Reserve chair Alan Greenspan's palatial Yorba Linda fantasy ranch, Monday. Greeting CNNfn reporter Dan Grentsch in a purple fur coat and Speedo swim trunks, the reclusive financial genius gave a guided tour of the 200-room mansion, pointing out such sights as his ruby-encrusted stock ticker, his rotating dollar-sign-shaped waterbed, and the "Love Hut," a shag-carpeted, warehouse-sized room stocked with nubile virgins from each of the seven major industrialized nations.

Clinton's Sight Restored

BETHESDA, MD–In a groundbreaking six-hour operation Monday, doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital successfully restored President Clinton's eyesight. "The first thing Clinton saw when the bandages were removed was the face of his beloved daughter Chelsea," Bethesda ocular surgeon Kenneth Blaine told reporters. Chelsea had been sitting patiently for hours, waiting for him to wake so all could find out whether the highly experimental procedure had been successful. "The president shed a tear, saying that his 'little girl' has grown into a beautiful young woman.'" Clinton aides said he plans to step down from the presidency to return to his figure-skating career.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Late Night

Too Sexy Too Soon?

A new wave of sultry teen pop princesses, including Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Mandy Moore, are drawing fire from concerned parents, who say they present inappropriately sexualized images to little girls who look up to them. What do you think?
  • "I think it's terrible when 16-year-old girls dress up in belly-baring tank tops and tight little skirts. I hate those jailbait cock-teasers."

    Ben Manwell
    Forklift Operator
  • "Teenagers shouldn't have constant access to sexual images on MTV. They should jerk off to nudie magazines hidden under their mattresses like a normal person."

    Jerome Koepp
    Systems Analyst
  • "When I was a teen, things weren't like they are today. We had to use our imaginations to picture Petula Clark naked."

    James Reul
    Histopathologist
  • "These teen singers send young girls the message that if they dress and act provocatively, they will meet with approval from males and go further in life. How ridiculous."

    Janet Schnorr
    Family Therapist
  • "It was entirely inappropriate for Britney Spears to wear that see-through Catholic schoolgirl outfit in my masturbation fantasy last night."

    John Arvold
    Locksmith
  • "Kids aren't growing up too fast. My 10-year-old daughter loves Britney Spears, and I trust her not to go all the way with her live-in boyfriend."

    Lynn Phelan
    Nurse's Aide
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