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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Top Al-Qaeda Escapee

It was recently announced that Omar al-Farouq, a top al-Qaeda operative, was among four prisoners to escape a U.S.-run prison in Afghanistan last July. What do you think?
  • "You can't destroy al-Qaeda, you can only contain it. Oh, we can't do that either?"

    Dan Woodruff Exterminator
  • "If he came out of a stump on the other side of the fence, that's hilarious."

    Maya Schultz Actuary
  • "Does this mean I should restock my duct tape?"

    Ron Chapell Painter
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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