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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Top Al-Qaeda Escapee

It was recently announced that Omar al-Farouq, a top al-Qaeda operative, was among four prisoners to escape a U.S.-run prison in Afghanistan last July. What do you think?
  • "You can't destroy al-Qaeda, you can only contain it. Oh, we can't do that either?"

    Dan Woodruff Exterminator
  • "If he came out of a stump on the other side of the fence, that's hilarious."

    Maya Schultz Actuary
  • "Does this mean I should restock my duct tape?"

    Ron Chapell Painter

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