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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Top Republicans, Corporations Call For Gay Marriage

Ahead of two upcoming Supreme Court cases challenging the constitutionality of state and federal laws limiting the definition of marriage, more than 80 top Republicans and over 200 corporations sent legal briefs to the justices arguing in favor of same-sex unions. What do you think?

  • “It’s good to see basic human decency and political machinations win out in the end.”

    Seth Behar Systems Analyst
  • “Well, I guess if the corporations are down with it, I am too.”

    Bob Holt Yarn Sorter
  • “That’s a pretty risky move on their part. What if all the gays decided to be straight again?”

    Alicia Athons Casino Manager

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