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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Top Republicans, Corporations Call For Gay Marriage

Ahead of two upcoming Supreme Court cases challenging the constitutionality of state and federal laws limiting the definition of marriage, more than 80 top Republicans and over 200 corporations sent legal briefs to the justices arguing in favor of same-sex unions. What do you think?

  • “It’s good to see basic human decency and political machinations win out in the end.”

    Seth Behar Systems Analyst
  • “Well, I guess if the corporations are down with it, I am too.”

    Bob Holt Yarn Sorter
  • “That’s a pretty risky move on their part. What if all the gays decided to be straight again?”

    Alicia Athons Casino Manager
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