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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Top Republicans, Corporations Call For Gay Marriage

Ahead of two upcoming Supreme Court cases challenging the constitutionality of state and federal laws limiting the definition of marriage, more than 80 top Republicans and over 200 corporations sent legal briefs to the justices arguing in favor of same-sex unions. What do you think?

  • “It’s good to see basic human decency and political machinations win out in the end.”

    Seth Behar Systems Analyst
  • “Well, I guess if the corporations are down with it, I am too.”

    Bob Holt Yarn Sorter
  • “That’s a pretty risky move on their part. What if all the gays decided to be straight again?”

    Alicia Athons Casino Manager

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