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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Topeka Decriminalizes Domestic Violence

Following a dispute between city and county officials over who should pay to prosecute offenders, the Topeka City Council voted to decriminalize misdemeanor domestic violence. What do you think?

  • “I can’t afford to bail him out again, so I guess my asshole husband and I are moving to Kansas.”

    Carrie Lemos Systems Analyst
  • "This wouldn't even be a problem if they had just criminalized back talk."

    Kevin Salerno Sewage-Disposal Worker
  • "But it being illegal was the most fun part about beating my wife."

    Mark Southerland Data Assembler

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