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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Toronto Mayor Admits Smoking Crack On Video

Following more than five months of allegations, embattled Toronto mayor Rob Ford finally admitted this week that he smoked crack cocaine after police confirmed they had video evidence showing the mayor engaging in such behavior. What do you think?

  • “Look, if you had a full day of ribbon-cutting ceremonies, you’d want to take the edge off too.”

    Graham Croft Racehorse Trainer
  • “It’s a tough call. On one hand, videotaping yourself smoking crack could get you in trouble. On the other, you want to preserve the moment forever.”

    Simon Bird Sewage Plant Operator
  • “In case I ever run for office, I want to come clean now that I smoke crack regularly.”

    Liz Abbott Systems Analyst

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