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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Toronto Mayor Admits Smoking Crack On Video

Following more than five months of allegations, embattled Toronto mayor Rob Ford finally admitted this week that he smoked crack cocaine after police confirmed they had video evidence showing the mayor engaging in such behavior. What do you think?

  • “Look, if you had a full day of ribbon-cutting ceremonies, you’d want to take the edge off too.”

    Graham Croft Racehorse Trainer
  • “It’s a tough call. On one hand, videotaping yourself smoking crack could get you in trouble. On the other, you want to preserve the moment forever.”

    Simon Bird Sewage Plant Operator
  • “In case I ever run for office, I want to come clean now that I smoke crack regularly.”

    Liz Abbott Systems Analyst

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