Tourism In The Tsunami's Wake

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Vol 41 Issue 05

Kool-Aid, Hi-C Make Backroom Deal To Destroy Tang

NORTHFIELD, IL—Executives for Kool-Aid and Hi-C met at an undisclosed location Monday to map out a plan to drive Tang out of business. "The tween market isn't big enough for three non-carbonated beverages," Kool-Aid CEO Robert Eckert told Hi-C executive Jason Frie. "Capri Sun and Sunny D play ball, but Tang won't budge. So we're gonna squeeze them so hard, even the astronauts won't drink it. Oh, yeah!" Bordon crushed out his cigarette and added, "I want you to stick it so deep in Tang's asshole, you make the Wyler's hit look like a movie date."

Immigrant Laborers Hired To Delete Spam

SAN DIEGO—Executives at Gortman Consulting are hiring immigrant day laborers to delete their junk e-mail. "Our employees were wasting hours of valuable time sifting through spam," Gortman CEO Donald Barris said Monday. "Finally, I was like, 'Eureka! Hire some low-cost Hispanic laborers to empty our Outlook Express trashcans.' Our IT van just swings by the docks in the morning and picks up a dozen or so guys." While Barris said the laborers are "happy for the work," labor-rights groups have complained that repeatedly pressing the delete key has caused numerous cases of carpal-tunnel syndrome among migrant spam removers.

Sex Life Embellished During Doctor Visit

DURANT, OK—During a routine physical Tuesday, Jason Gunder, 21, exaggerated his sexual exploits for the benefit of his physician, Dr. Stanley Pindel. "Unprotected intercourse? Sure, I have it all the time," Gunder said. "Partners? Thirty or something. I've had so many, I can't even remember." After nodding thoughtfully, Dr. Pindel told Gunder, "If you do actually ever have sex, please make sure to use a condom and a water-based spermicidal lubricant."

Son Attempts To Cultivate Parents' Interest In Better Movies

DOVER, DE—Marc Morehouse, 24, made another vain attempt to improve his parents' taste in movies Monday by taking them to see Sideways. "I know you guys thought Meet The Fockers sounded really funny, but maybe we should all give something a little different a try," Morehouse said to his parents Kirk and Doris as he bought three tickets at an area cineplex. "Dad, you like golf, right? And Mom drinks wine, so this movie is right up your alley. It'll be fun." After the show, Morehouse could not convince his parents to have dinner at a non-chain restaurant.

Jay-Z's Grandfather Busted With Trunk Full Of Canadian Prescription Drugs

BUFFALO, NY—Tyrone J. Carter, rap artist Jay-Z's 75-year-old grandfather, was arrested Monday for transporting prescription drugs across the Canadian border in the trunk of his 1998 Oldsmobile. "My grandson says I shouldn't have unlocked the trunk unless the cops had a warrant, but what's a man supposed to do?" said Carter, who was busted with more than $1,000 worth of pharmaceutical-grade Diovan, Lipitor, and Lanoxin. "Don't the police have anything better to do than hassle a sick old man? My insurance doesn't cover my pills anymore—I gotta get my heart medicine somewhere." The arresting officers said the pills had a U.S.-pharmacy value of nearly $18,000.

The Golden Globes Were A Golden Time!

Item! The Golden Globes recently took place, answering the question "Who will the foreign press honor this year?" Well, how's Hillary Duff for starters? She won Best Actress for A Million Dollar Smile, where she plays a boxer. She sure did grow up fast! Meanwhile, Jamie Fox won Best Black Actor, and rightly so. His speech alone was worth the award! From a Jackie to a Jamie: Way to go!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Tourism In The Tsunami's Wake

While some travelers cancelled vacations to tsunami-stricken countries, others say that tourism is important for rebuilding the area's economy. What do you think?
  • "How can Thailand expect people like me to visit? What am I—made of bahts?"

    Carla Sparks
    Chef
  • "I'll bet the tourism drop-off would be reversed if the Western media would shift its focus to more positive coverage of tsunamis."

    Gordan Rami
    Repairman
  • "Well, I was going to visit the Greek ruins, but I might as well go where the ruins are still fresh."

    Brenda Ellis-Lee
    Salesperson
  • "I'll still take my annual vacation in Sri Lanka, but I'm going to be nice to everyone for a change."

    Joe Callister
    Cashier
  • "Whoa. Talk about the very definition of guilt trip."

    Tyler Wilson
    Systems Analyst
  • "It's time for the healing process to begin. Resident of Sumatra, another Mai Tai, please."

    Toby Leiffert
    Teacher
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