adBlockCheck

Recent News

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tourist Ban In Dutch Pot Cafés Upheld

A law prohibiting everyone but Dutch natives and permanent residents from visiting marijuana cafes was upheld in court last week. What do you think?

  • "Wow, they must have a lot of faith in their tourism board’s ability to talk up soused herring."

    Vincent Yuste Wort Extractor
  • "Great. Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my early 20s?"

    Giulia Burgess Tone Artist
  • "That’s okay. I find it’s best to stay sober and alert while visiting Amsterdam so that you can find the best prostitutes."

    Craig Banks Pest-Control Pilot
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close