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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Town Fines For Public Cursing

The town of Middleborough, MA voted to impose a $20 fine on anyone using obscene language in public. What do you think?

  • "Like I've always said: Someday, only the rich will swear."

    Albert Lehman Marquetry Worker
  • “Why not just install some giant bleep machines all around town that go off really loudly anytime someone curses?"

    Raul Gillette Granulator Tender
  • "Good thing I've been working on my obscene pantomimes."

    Monica Daskawisz Unemployed

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