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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Town Seeks To Criminalize Walking And Biking

Officials in the town of Hull, WI are considering an ordinance requiring walkers and cyclists on certain roads to register their trips in advance. What do you think?

  • "I like the safety and convenience of being chauffeured by helicopter as much as the next guy, but sometimes it’s nice to just stretch your legs a bit."

    Nick Randall Mortgage Loan Processor
  • "Well, that’s some good news. I’ve been getting pretty tired of all the damn pedihooliganism around here."

    Craig Harvey Fruit Cutter
  • "It's a way to solve the ongoing mystery of people who walk along the shoulders of highways. Really, why are they there? Where do they come from? Where are they going?"

    Beth Salomon Cathode Maker

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