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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Toyota Issues Its Largest-Ever Recall

Toyota has recalled 7.4 million automobiles worldwide, including 2.5 million in the United States, amid reports that a malfunctioning power-window switch had been linked to more than 160 instances of fire and smoke emanating from car doors. What do you think?

  • “Lucky. When will somebody recall my 1998 Crown Victoria? It’s a piece of shit.”

    Henrietta Worrall-Jacobson Knitting Instructor
  • “Unbelievable. You’d think people would just be thankful that Toyota went out of its way to make cars for them, but instead there’s all this ungracious nitpicking.”

    Derek Monzani Produce Weigher
  • “Whoa, cool! Where can I pick up one of these smokin’ hot new cars?”

    Kiran Schubert Hotel Desk Clerk

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