Toyota Issues Its Largest-Ever Recall

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Toyota Issues Its Largest-Ever Recall

Toyota has recalled 7.4 million automobiles worldwide, including 2.5 million in the United States, amid reports that a malfunctioning power-window switch had been linked to more than 160 instances of fire and smoke emanating from car doors. What do you think?

  • “Lucky. When will somebody recall my 1998 Crown Victoria? It’s a piece of shit.”

    Henrietta Worrall-Jacobson
    Knitting Instructor
  • “Unbelievable. You’d think people would just be thankful that Toyota went out of its way to make cars for them, but instead there’s all this ungracious nitpicking.”

    Derek Monzani
    Produce Weigher
  • “Whoa, cool! Where can I pick up one of these smokin’ hot new cars?”

    Kiran Schubert
    Hotel Desk Clerk
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