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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Toyota Issues Its Largest-Ever Recall

Toyota has recalled 7.4 million automobiles worldwide, including 2.5 million in the United States, amid reports that a malfunctioning power-window switch had been linked to more than 160 instances of fire and smoke emanating from car doors. What do you think?

  • “Lucky. When will somebody recall my 1998 Crown Victoria? It’s a piece of shit.”

    Henrietta Worrall-Jacobson Knitting Instructor
  • “Unbelievable. You’d think people would just be thankful that Toyota went out of its way to make cars for them, but instead there’s all this ungracious nitpicking.”

    Derek Monzani Produce Weigher
  • “Whoa, cool! Where can I pick up one of these smokin’ hot new cars?”

    Kiran Schubert Hotel Desk Clerk
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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