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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Traffic Deaths Rise On Election Day

Researchers noticed an 18 percent spike in traffic fatalities on days a presidential election was held. What do you think?
  • "As county chairman of the Republican Party, I'm naturally concerned about this disturbing trend, and would like to urge all eligible voters to consider staying home to vote on Nov. 4."

    Boris Will Republican Party Chairman
  • "Well, this is bound to happen when you get 2 percent of Americans out on the road on the same day."

    Simon Doone Cafeteria Worker
  • "At least those people participated in the democratic process and didn't die in vain. Oh, unless they were on their way to the polls, in which case never mind."

    Hil Forrest Swimming Instructor

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