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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Train Safety Called Into Question

Following this weekend’s deadly train derailment in the Bronx, commuters around the nation have been left wondering if traveling by rail is still a safe transportation option. What do you think?

  • “All of this really makes you think. Technically, everything does.”

    Jessica Davey Art Student
  • “Look, mack, I’ve got to catch that 4:50 to Topeka or my goose is cooked. No two ways about it.”

    Martin Branch Security Analyst
  • “Safety good.”

    Eric Powell Hedge Trimmer
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