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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Travelers Against Body Scanners

The TSA has met with a great deal of resistance over the invasiveness of its new body-scanning technology in airports. What do you think?

  • "If you don't want a bunch of strangers looking at you naked, then what the hell are you doing flying on an airplane?"

    Anne Burdick Systems Analyst
  • "I just lost twenty pounds. Have fun jacking off to the new me."

    Perry Garcia Home Health Aide
  • "At the very least, they should stop trying to sell you a printed photo of your body-scan for $20 as soon as you step out of the machine."

    Larry Vuaghan Library Clerk

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