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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Troops To Darfur

The United Nations is being called on to send peacekeeping forces to keep peace and prevent the genocide in Darfur. What do you think?
  • "Seems like a clear-cut case of favoritism to me. Isn't Kofi Annan from some place in Africa, too?"

    Ellie Jurgenson Manicurist
  • "Tough to see this glass as half-full but, with all the strife on that continent, another "Live Aid" is a real possibility."

    Kevin Macon Beer Vendor
  • "I will lose all respect for the Sudanese refugees if they fail to ask tough questions about the food-for-oil scandal before accepting aid."

    Bran Jefferson Line Cook

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