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Troops To Stay In Iraq

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Troops To Stay In Iraq

U.S. military officials recently announced that thousands of soldiers will remain in Iraq for longer than previously stated. What do you think?
  • "At least democracy's flowering over there. They could be here, where it's nearly fucking dead."

    Arthur Rucker Professor
  • "Good. Maybe it'll teach those weaklings some discipline."

    Jessica Burrell Salesperson
  • "As an employer of several U.S. reservists, I have one question: Who's gonna sell these motorboats?"

    Edward Enriquez Sales Manager
  • "I can't imagine why it's taking them so long to accomplish a simple little matter like stabilizing that particular geopolitical region."

    Maude Wilkenson Artist
  • "Boy, the Iraqis better develop a fun pop culture with cute cartoon animals and grown women in schoolgirl uniforms, or this will be a complete waste."

    Sammy Marsh Security Guard
  • "If our soldiers must be involved in a lengthy occupation, at least it's in a place without any dangerous weapons of mass destruction lying around."

    Martin Stearns Systems Analyst

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