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Trouble In East Timor

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CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO

Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous...

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Trouble In East Timor

On Aug. 30, East Timor voted overwhelmingly for independence from Indonesia, sparking a pro-Jakarta militia crackdown that has left hundreds of Timorese dead and prompted U.N. officials to evacuate the island. What do you think about this rapidly deteriorating international situation?
  • "It's a tough call. They're not as brown as Africans, but they're still pretty brown. I guess I'm leaning toward not caring."

    Franklin Schuitt Systems Analyst
  • "East Timor? Shouldn't the citizens be, you know, Timorous? Ha! Seriously, though, where is this town?"

    Richard Heep Bank Teller
  • "This crisis won't affect production of Kmart's fall fashion line, will it?"

    Linda Voskuil Homemaker
  • "As CNN's senior correspondent for the Pacific Rim, I'd just like to say, 'Hey, Noam Chomsky, look! We're finally doing a story about how oppressed East Timor is! Are you happy now?"

    Robert Iverson TV Journalist
  • "The U.S. has got to step in and hold a pancake-dinner benefit for these people."

    Melissa Orr College Student
  • "Martial law? A shoot-on-sight curfew? That's pretty serious, man. I just hope all the white people get out okay."

    Hugh Randolph Construction Worker

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