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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Trouble In East Timor

On Aug. 30, East Timor voted overwhelmingly for independence from Indonesia, sparking a pro-Jakarta militia crackdown that has left hundreds of Timorese dead and prompted U.N. officials to evacuate the island. What do you think about this rapidly deteriorating international situation?
  • "It's a tough call. They're not as brown as Africans, but they're still pretty brown. I guess I'm leaning toward not caring."

    Franklin Schuitt Systems Analyst
  • "East Timor? Shouldn't the citizens be, you know, Timorous? Ha! Seriously, though, where is this town?"

    Richard Heep Bank Teller
  • "This crisis won't affect production of Kmart's fall fashion line, will it?"

    Linda Voskuil Homemaker
  • "As CNN's senior correspondent for the Pacific Rim, I'd just like to say, 'Hey, Noam Chomsky, look! We're finally doing a story about how oppressed East Timor is! Are you happy now?"

    Robert Iverson TV Journalist
  • "The U.S. has got to step in and hold a pancake-dinner benefit for these people."

    Melissa Orr College Student
  • "Martial law? A shoot-on-sight curfew? That's pretty serious, man. I just hope all the white people get out okay."

    Hugh Randolph Construction Worker

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