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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Truck Drivers Barred From Texting

The U.S. government will no longer allow drivers of large trucks and buses to text while they are driving. What do you think?
  • "Texting and driving is irresponsible, but it probably gets pretty lonely out there on the road. Hey! Someone should write a song about that!"

    Kathleen Hulka Systems Analyst
  • "With this ban in place, there's pretty much nothing to do while driving but daydream and rear-end the car in front of you."

    Lyle Gorch Driveway Blacktopper
  • "Aw, shucks. But sometimes you just want to send out a quick 'breaker breaker one-nine' to your buddies without starting up a whole long CB conversation."

    Arch Harris Truck Driver

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