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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Trump Quits The Apprentice

Donald Trump, host of the low-rated NBC television series The Apprentice, says he quit abruptly before the network could bump him from the schedule. What do you think?
  • "I can't knock a guy as successful as he is. The man single-handedly built an empire on nothing but a huge inheritance from his father."

    Wendy Halpern Systems Analyst
  • "Does this mean 'you're fired' can become public domain again? I haven't able to let go of any of my employees for almost three years."

    Remmick Seavey Horticulturist
  • "What? Quick, cancel my subscription to Trump Magazine and my order of Trump Steaks! Pull my kids out of Trump University! Dump out my bottle of Donald Trump: The Fragrance! Sell, sell, sell! Sell, sell, sell!"

    Todd Palmer Graphic Designer
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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