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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Trump Takes First Diplomatic Trip

President Donald Trump leaves today for an eight-day diplomatic trip to the Middle East and Europe, his first since entering office. What do you think?

  • “I think we all deserve some time away from America right now.”

    Brittany Flynn Wristband Checker
  • “It’ll be good for him to come back in a week and see all these unsolvable problems with fresh eyes.”

    Brendan Hagerty Disgraced Pastor
  • “He’s going to fuck this up somehow, isn’t he?”

    Stan Siebers Navy Dentist

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