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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Trump Team Fires Inauguration Announcer

Charlie Brotman, the 89-year-old announcer of every presidential inauguration since Eisenhower, has been replaced by Trump volunteer Steven Ray as a show of appreciation for his contributions to the campaign. What do you think?

  • “Swamp: drained.”

    Rory Martin Coatings Specialist
  • “I’m willing to see what new ideas an outsider can bring to this position.”

    Keesha Lambert Lectern Installer
  • “Having to announce the inauguration would be far more demoralizing.”

    Gil Hoffman Trampoline Packager

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