Trying Children As Adults

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Trying Children As Adults

Last week, a Michigan jury convicted a 13-year-old boy of second-degree murder for a crime he committed as an 11-year-old. What do you think of the growing legal trend of trying children as adults?
  • "As a federal judge and longtime closet pederast, I am strongly in favor of trying 11-year-olds as adults."

    Stanley Gibson
    Federal Judge
  • "I hope the adult courts have some of those plastic booster chairs."

    Liz Strunck
  • "I do not believe minors should be allowed to shoot people, nor do I believe their victims should be allowed to die."

    Hannah Leigh
  • "Come on, people, didn't any of you go through a rebellious homicidal phase during adolescence? You grow out of it."

    John Roble
  • "I believe the children are our future: nasty, brutish and short."

    Bill Buchanan
    Systems Analyst
  • "Children should face the same consequences as adults for committing murder: four years in a federal penitentiary."

    Daniel Doering
    File Clerk