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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Trying Children As Adults

Last week, a Michigan jury convicted a 13-year-old boy of second-degree murder for a crime he committed as an 11-year-old. What do you think of the growing legal trend of trying children as adults?
  • "As a federal judge and longtime closet pederast, I am strongly in favor of trying 11-year-olds as adults."

    Stanley Gibson Federal Judge
  • "I hope the adult courts have some of those plastic booster chairs."

    Liz Strunck Teacher
  • "I do not believe minors should be allowed to shoot people, nor do I believe their victims should be allowed to die."

    Hannah Leigh Psychologist
  • "Come on, people, didn't any of you go through a rebellious homicidal phase during adolescence? You grow out of it."

    John Roble Bartender
  • "I believe the children are our future: nasty, brutish and short."

    Bill Buchanan Systems Analyst
  • "Children should face the same consequences as adults for committing murder: four years in a federal penitentiary."

    Daniel Doering File Clerk

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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