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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Trying Children As Adults

Last week, a Michigan jury convicted a 13-year-old boy of second-degree murder for a crime he committed as an 11-year-old. What do you think of the growing legal trend of trying children as adults?
  • "As a federal judge and longtime closet pederast, I am strongly in favor of trying 11-year-olds as adults."

    Stanley Gibson Federal Judge
  • "I hope the adult courts have some of those plastic booster chairs."

    Liz Strunck Teacher
  • "I do not believe minors should be allowed to shoot people, nor do I believe their victims should be allowed to die."

    Hannah Leigh Psychologist
  • "Come on, people, didn't any of you go through a rebellious homicidal phase during adolescence? You grow out of it."

    John Roble Bartender
  • "I believe the children are our future: nasty, brutish and short."

    Bill Buchanan Systems Analyst
  • "Children should face the same consequences as adults for committing murder: four years in a federal penitentiary."

    Daniel Doering File Clerk

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