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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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TSA Removing Nude Body Scanners From Airports

The Transportation Security Administration will remove all backscatter scanners from U.S. airports following years of complaints from air passengers and privacy rights organizations about the virtually nude images the machines produce. What do you think?

  • “Now who’s going to look at me naked?”

    Jorge Ortega Control Room Operator
  • “And with that, air travel is now completely free of anything tedious, demeaning, or uncomfortable.”

    Maggie Maren Appellate Court Judge
  • “I’m willing to let TSA agents rely on their instincts and just imagine what I’m working with down there.”

    Ron Gordean Kiln Unloader
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