adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

TSA Screeners Steal $160K

A pair of TSA screeners were caught stealing $39,000 from a passenger's bag and have since admitted to thefts totaling at least $160,000. What do you think?

  • "They found that $80,000 in cash I was carrying in my bag? Sweet! Where can I meet with the authorities to get it back?"

    Sigmund Wood Systems Analyst
  • "Ask them if they stole my 5 dollars. One time I went to the airport and I was pretty sure I had 25 dollars but then I only had 18. I bought a 2-dollar candy bar."

    Jill Bevan Cable Installer
  • "I guess they got suspicious when they noticed the airport screeners suddenly having enough money to support themselves."

    Adam Tandy Knife Setter

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close