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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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TSA To Allow Small Knives On Planes

Partially reversing rules that have been in place since the 9/11 attacks, the Transportation Security Administration announced that it would begin allowing passengers to bring pocketknives with blades shorter than 2.36 inches onto planes beginning on April 25. What do you think?

  • “The catch is you’re still not allowed to stab people with them.”

    Andrew Borrowman Clam Sorter
  • “Finally. It’s so annoying when you’ve brought all these strawberries on a plane and have nothing to finely chop them with.”

    Kurt Montoya Ammonia Still Operator
  • “I think you should be able to carry either a knife or shampoo. Not both.”

    Meagan Lema Roofing Supervisor

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