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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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TSA To Prohibit Uncharged Electronic Devices

In an effort to ensure that electronics such as cell phones and laptop computers are not explosives in disguise, the Transportation Security Administration has announced new protective measures that will require passengers on some U.S.-bound international flights to activate such devices during security screening. Anything uncharged will not be permitted on board an aircraft. What do you think?

  • “I’d never void my MacBook warranty by putting a bomb in there.”

    Miriam Skoog Corporate Sidekick
  • “Whoa, imagine how weird that’ll look — an entire line of people just standing there all checking their phones.”

    Rudy Frost Book Sifter
  • “I look forward to this new opportunity to have a frank, screaming dialogue with TSA employees about my constitutional rights.”

    Paula Gammons Systems Analyst

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