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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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TSA To Prohibit Uncharged Electronic Devices

In an effort to ensure that electronics such as cell phones and laptop computers are not explosives in disguise, the Transportation Security Administration has announced new protective measures that will require passengers on some U.S.-bound international flights to activate such devices during security screening. Anything uncharged will not be permitted on board an aircraft. What do you think?

  • “I’d never void my MacBook warranty by putting a bomb in there.”

    Miriam Skoog Corporate Sidekick
  • “Whoa, imagine how weird that’ll look — an entire line of people just standing there all checking their phones.”

    Rudy Frost Book Sifter
  • “I look forward to this new opportunity to have a frank, screaming dialogue with TSA employees about my constitutional rights.”

    Paula Gammons Systems Analyst

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