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Tsunami Debris Approaching U.S.

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Tsunami Debris Approaching U.S.

Debris from the Japanese tsunami in March is now approaching Hawaii and is predicted to hit the West Coast of the U.S. in three years. What do you think?

  • "Oh, no! You’re telling me that it’s just a matter of time before slightly more shit washes up onto Venice Beach?"

    Keith Philipp Furniture Assembler
  • "Crap, all the good stuff will probably be gone by then."

    Oren Blaine Landscaper
  • "At least that gives me enough time to prepare my daughter before all the bloated and rotting Hello Kitty corpses wash ashore."

    Vicky Zimmerman Engineer

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