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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Tucson Shooter Switches Plea To 'Guilty'

After more than a year of being forcibly medicated, Jared Loughner, who is charged with killing six people and wounding 13 others, including recently retired Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, switched his plea from not guilty to guilty yesterday. What do you think?

  • “Oh, who even cares about him anymore? That was so many shootings ago.”

    Albie Sanger Starch Factory Laborer
  • “First he says he’s not guilty, and now he’s saying he is guilty? I’m beginning to think there’s something seriously wrong with this guy.”

    Isabella Mechoso Physical Therapy Aide
  • “I’m going to refrain from expressing any opinions until I hear what Nancy Grace has to yell about this.”

    Raymond Acker Poet

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