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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Tucson Shooter Switches Plea To 'Guilty'

After more than a year of being forcibly medicated, Jared Loughner, who is charged with killing six people and wounding 13 others, including recently retired Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, switched his plea from not guilty to guilty yesterday. What do you think?

  • “Oh, who even cares about him anymore? That was so many shootings ago.”

    Albie Sanger Starch Factory Laborer
  • “First he says he’s not guilty, and now he’s saying he is guilty? I’m beginning to think there’s something seriously wrong with this guy.”

    Isabella Mechoso Physical Therapy Aide
  • “I’m going to refrain from expressing any opinions until I hear what Nancy Grace has to yell about this.”

    Raymond Acker Poet

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