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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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TV Sports' Ratings Slide

Televised sports is in the midst of a decade-long ratings slump. What do you think of the steadily dwindling viewership?
  • "With all the televised sports out there–golf, NASCAR, WNBA basketball, Major League Soccer, pro beach volleyball–my total indif

    Dan Wiggins Bank Teller
  • "Maybe someone should invent a new game to reignite interest. A game where you eat snack cakes while throwing water balloons."

    Ted Bevacqua Custodian
  • "It seems odd that viewership is down, given all the slightly charismatic pro athletes out there."

    Stephanie Nettles Psychologist
  • "This is hardly surprising. That album came out nearly 20 years ago, and 'I Want A New Drug' was the only good song on it."

    Dana Gossage Homemaker
  • "I blame the networks. Their interstitial CGI graphics and exploding-helmet sound effects just don't pack the same entertainment

    Fred McReynolds Systems Analyst
  • "I guess I lost interest in televised sports when I realized you didn't need to watch it to hang out in Hooters."

    Carl Whitson Drill-Press Operator

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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