TV Sports' Ratings Slide

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Vol 37 Issue 27

That Guy From That One Show Spotted With The Girl From The Shampoo Ad

LOS ANGELES–According to Hollywood insiders, that guy who plays the doctor with the beard on that one show was spotted at this L.A. restaurant with the blonde chick who takes the shower in the airplane bathroom in that one shampoo commercial. "She was wearing this red, glittery dress," said that blonde Extra reporter who just had a baby. "And the guy was like, 'Hey, I'm dating the shampoo girl.'" The sighting laid to rest rumors that the guy is engaged to that girl who played the waitress in the movie about cars that came out a few weeks ago.

Elementary Schooler Clearly Just Learned To Swear

ALEXANDRIA, LA–Lakeview Elementary School first-grader Ian Schweder has clearly just taken his first steps into the world of swearing, classroom sources reported Monday. "He must've just seen a sweary movie," classmate Caitlin Lorenz said. "He always runs around the playground yelling, 'Fucky fucky shit fuck,' and dirty stuff like that." In the past two days, Schweder has composed a ribald song titled "Shit Shit Boobies," covered three sheets of notebook paper with scatological malediction, and attempted to tell a joke about "a girl who saw a boy's pussy."

Richard Grieco's Star Power Inadvertently Donated To Goodwill

LOS ANGELES–Former 21 Jump Street and Booker star Richard Grieco accidentally gave his star power to charity Monday, when a truck collecting for Goodwill Industries of Southern California made off with his charisma. "I just told the driver to help himself to whatever was in the garage," said the 36-year-old Grieco, star of 1991's If Looks Could Kill. "I had no idea my star power was in there." Grieco attempted to buy back his celebrity magnetism at the La Brea Avenue Goodwill store several hours later, only to be told that Jorge Reyes of East Los Angeles had purchased it for $4.

Senate Votes To Add Gratuity To All Bills Of Eight Provisions Or More

WASHINGTON, DC–By a 74-20 margin, the U.S. Senate approved a resolution Monday guaranteeing lawmakers a 15 percent gratuity for all bills containing eight provisions or more. "Some of the bills around here run into the billions," U.S. Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) said. "This is our way of making sure we don't get stiffed." Later that day, Brownback received an $825 million gratuity on a $5.3 billion arms-appropriation bill he authored.

Slain Cop Had Only 37 Years Until Retirement

DETROIT–In a tragic twist of fate, Detroit police officer Stephen Brophy was cut down in the line of duty Monday, just 37 years before he was to retire. "Just yesterday, Stephen was talking about all the plans he and his wife had for 2038," said officer Pete Driscoll, Brophy's short-time partner, who was with the 28-year-old when he was fatally shot by an armed robber. "They were going to tour the country in an RV or maybe build a house in Maine, right after Stephen wrapped up his last four decades on the force." Added Driscoll: "His greatest wish was to see his daughter get married. Or his son if it was a boy."

Clinton's First Week In Harlem

Last Tuesday, Bill Clinton officially moved into his new office in Harlem. How did the former president spend his first week in the neighborhood?
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TV Sports' Ratings Slide

Televised sports is in the midst of a decade-long ratings slump. What do you think of the steadily dwindling viewership?
  • "With all the televised sports out there–golf, NASCAR, WNBA basketball, Major League Soccer, pro beach volleyball–my total indif

    Dan Wiggins
    Bank Teller
  • "Maybe someone should invent a new game to reignite interest. A game where you eat snack cakes while throwing water balloons."

    Ted Bevacqua
    Custodian
  • "It seems odd that viewership is down, given all the slightly charismatic pro athletes out there."

    Stephanie Nettles
    Psychologist
  • "This is hardly surprising. That album came out nearly 20 years ago, and 'I Want A New Drug' was the only good song on it."

    Dana Gossage
    Homemaker
  • "I blame the networks. Their interstitial CGI graphics and exploding-helmet sound effects just don't pack the same entertainment

    Fred McReynolds
    Systems Analyst
  • "I guess I lost interest in televised sports when I realized you didn't need to watch it to hang out in Hooters."

    Carl Whitson
    Drill-Press Operator
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