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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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TV Sports' Ratings Slide

Televised sports is in the midst of a decade-long ratings slump. What do you think of the steadily dwindling viewership?
  • "With all the televised sports out there–golf, NASCAR, WNBA basketball, Major League Soccer, pro beach volleyball–my total indif

    Dan Wiggins Bank Teller
  • "Maybe someone should invent a new game to reignite interest. A game where you eat snack cakes while throwing water balloons."

    Ted Bevacqua Custodian
  • "It seems odd that viewership is down, given all the slightly charismatic pro athletes out there."

    Stephanie Nettles Psychologist
  • "This is hardly surprising. That album came out nearly 20 years ago, and 'I Want A New Drug' was the only good song on it."

    Dana Gossage Homemaker
  • "I blame the networks. Their interstitial CGI graphics and exploding-helmet sound effects just don't pack the same entertainment

    Fred McReynolds Systems Analyst
  • "I guess I lost interest in televised sports when I realized you didn't need to watch it to hang out in Hooters."

    Carl Whitson Drill-Press Operator

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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