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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Twin Pandas Born In Atlanta

Lun Lun, a 15-year-old giant panda housed at Zoo Atlanta, gave birth to a pair of twins this week, which join a panda family at the zoo that includes their father, Yang Yang, and two brothers. What do you think?

  • “Oh, good. Finally some new twins for mine to play with.”

    Marylou Keeney Explosives Handler
  • “I’m sure Yang Yang’s acting all excited, but I bet inside he’s totally freaking out.”

    Phil Slater Hamper Maker
  • “I don’t care what species it is, teenagers should not be having kids.”

    Toby Winton Systems Analyst

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