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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Twinkies Returning To Stores July 15

Emerging from bankruptcy under new ownership, snack food company Hostess announced that its iconic Twinkies will return to store shelves on July 15 with packages bearing the phrase “The Sweetest Comeback in the History of Ever.” What do you think?

  • “Things just keep looking up for America all the time!”

    Damian Lauter Lightning Rod Erector
  • “Time to bring my Twinkie the Kid impression back out of its holster.”

    Craig Sanderson Yardage Estimator
  • “The sweetest comeback? Have we forgotten Mickey Rourke?”

    Gladys Despotovich Makeup Artist

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