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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Twitter Now Features Ads

For the first time since its inception in 2006, the social networking service Twitter is running advertisements. What do you think?

  • "This is terrible! Now Twitter will be overrun with all kinds of useless, annoying messages."

    Nick McDonald Roll Thread Operator
  • "I was wary at first, but Sabra hummus really is offering a great deal to anyone who searches the #IranProtest hashtag."

    Frank Thompson Autism Aid
  • "It's just as well to have something flashy to catch your eye while you're slogging your way through one of the posts."

    Megan Foley Inquiry Response Coordinator

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