Twitter Replaces ‘Retweet’ With ‘Share’

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Twitter Replaces ‘Retweet’ With ‘Share’

According to reports from users, the microblogging site Twitter quietly experimented this weekend with swapping the popular retweet function for a “share” button, a move that may be part of ongoing tests to make the site more engaging for users. What do you think?

  • “One day I’ll tell my grandkids about the crap Twitter pulled that one March weekend in ’14.”

    Grace Harper
    Library Book Unloader
  • “Oh, come on. I finally just learned what a retweet is, and now I gotta try and figure out what this other word they just made up means?”

    Dan Weisel
    Laundry Machine Repairer
  • “How dare they try to run their company how they see fit.”

    Andrew Greene
    Land Surveyor