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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Two Kinds Of Humans

British evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry claims that the human race may split into two sub-species in the next 100,000 years. What do you think?
  • "Well, I hope my descendents end up in the elite class, or in the roving pack of disobedient workers that live in the sewers and feed on the attractive."

    Aaron Knudsen Soccer Coach
  • "This is just like that movie The Time Machine. Wait, no, Revenge of the Nerds."

    Gary Curry Linguist
  • "Personally, I'm still pissed that we lost the vestigial tail."

    Dannie Clarson Life Coach
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