Two New Elements To Be Named

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Vol 47 Issue 49

Coach Secretly Turned On By Illegal Formation

TAMPA BAY, FL—Buccaneers quarterbacks coach Alex Van Pelt admitted to reporters Saturday that even though he knows it's wrong and "very, very naughty," he secretly gets aroused when he sees a team line up in an illegal formation.

Who Is Romney Today?

Critics have long complained that instead of sticking to strong positions on issues such as immigration, federal spending, and health care reform, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has routinely changed his stance to appeal to voters. Here...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Two New Elements To Be Named

The International Union of Pure Applied Chemistry unveiled two new elements last week, tentatively named flerovium and livermorium. What do you think?

  • "I was about to give up on science and become religious. This is just the kind of thing I need to keep my interest! Go science!"

    Frank Alger
    Hand Embroiderer
  • "Son of a bitch! I should have known there was some sneaky reason that stack of periodic tables was so cheap."

    Alexandra Zigmunt
    Hook Puller
  • "I was wondering when they’d add a new element and finally get the bad taste of roentgenium out of my mouth. What a shitty element that was."

    Roy Craig
    Pay-Station Attendant
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