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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Two New Elements To Be Named

The International Union of Pure Applied Chemistry unveiled two new elements last week, tentatively named flerovium and livermorium. What do you think?

  • "I was about to give up on science and become religious. This is just the kind of thing I need to keep my interest! Go science!"

    Frank Alger Hand Embroiderer
  • "Son of a bitch! I should have known there was some sneaky reason that stack of periodic tables was so cheap."

    Alexandra Zigmunt Hook Puller
  • "I was wondering when they’d add a new element and finally get the bad taste of roentgenium out of my mouth. What a shitty element that was."

    Roy Craig Pay-Station Attendant

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