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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Two New Elements To Be Named

The International Union of Pure Applied Chemistry unveiled two new elements last week, tentatively named flerovium and livermorium. What do you think?

  • "I was about to give up on science and become religious. This is just the kind of thing I need to keep my interest! Go science!"

    Frank Alger Hand Embroiderer
  • "Son of a bitch! I should have known there was some sneaky reason that stack of periodic tables was so cheap."

    Alexandra Zigmunt Hook Puller
  • "I was wondering when they’d add a new element and finally get the bad taste of roentgenium out of my mouth. What a shitty element that was."

    Roy Craig Pay-Station Attendant

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