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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Tylenol No Better Than Sugar Pills For Helping Back Pain

A new study has found that Tylenol is no more effective for treating back pain than placebo sugar pills. What do you think?

  • “An optimist would say that this study found sugar pills work just as great as Tylenol.”

    Kevin Springer Soup Ladler
  • “I hope the medical skeptic crowd responds to these findings with their usual scientific literacy and sense of proportion.”

    Bernard Horst Systems Analyst
  • “You mean the cure for back pain was inside me all along?”

    Jessica Jacobs Porcelain Doll Collector
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