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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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UConn Holding ‘Football 101’ Clinic For Female Fans

The UConn Huskies announced that the team will host a clinic for female fans instructing them on the basics of football, with officials saying the course is not meant to be condescending to women and that many women may in fact know more about the sport than men. What do you think?

  • “Sure, I guess UConn’s course is fine if you couldn’t get into Yale’s football clinic.”

    Lydia Maddock Set Costumer
  • “It’s true that some football rules—like the one where players aren’t punished for assaulting women—can be pretty confusing to non-fans.”

    Tim Worsely Boat Rental Specialist
  • “You know you’re on the right track when you have to explain that your class isn’t meant to be condescending to women.”

    Dermot Himschoot Sawmill Overseer

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