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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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UConn Holding ‘Football 101’ Clinic For Female Fans

The UConn Huskies announced that the team will host a clinic for female fans instructing them on the basics of football, with officials saying the course is not meant to be condescending to women and that many women may in fact know more about the sport than men. What do you think?

  • “Sure, I guess UConn’s course is fine if you couldn’t get into Yale’s football clinic.”

    Lydia Maddock Set Costumer
  • “It’s true that some football rules—like the one where players aren’t punished for assaulting women—can be pretty confusing to non-fans.”

    Tim Worsely Boat Rental Specialist
  • “You know you’re on the right track when you have to explain that your class isn’t meant to be condescending to women.”

    Dermot Himschoot Sawmill Overseer
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