adBlockCheck

International

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Uday And Qusay On Display

Last week, the U.S. military defended its decision to place the bodies of Saddam Hussein's sons on display. What do you think?
  • "I can think of no better way to win opposing Iraqi hearts and minds than by showing them some opposing Iraqis' actual hearts and minds."

    Patrick Herron Computer Specialist
  • So, we've got Uday and Qusay. Now, how about the eapons-way of ass-may estruction-day?

    Darcie Windham Activity Director
  • "Now the Iraqis will love us, like they were supposed to in the first place."

    Juan Russ Station Engineer
  • "My heart goes out to Saddam. I can't imagine what it's like to lose even one, much less two evil henchmen."

    Marty Felder Bus Driver
  • "Raise the heads on gilded poles! Roast the fatted calf! We need a rousing song--summon Toby Keith!"

    Terrance Fleck Histopathologist
  • "Super. Now, let's show those bodies to the economy and our problems are over."

    Alisa Overstreet Systems Analyst

More from this section

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close