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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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U.K. Seeks Early Election Before Brexit

Less than halfway through the government’s current term, British Prime Minister Theresa May has called for an early election to gain strength in upcoming Brexit talks, explaining that “The country is coming together, but Westminster is not.” What do you think?

  • “I like a visit to my polling place as much as the next person, but this is ridiculous.”

    Debbie Pashkin Brewery Custodian
  • “They could learn a thing or two from the American system in which you’re stuck with your choices until they kill you.”

    Seymour Langham Meat Marinater
  • “If there’s one way to ensure unity, it’s an election.”

    Simon Ludlow Tuber Peeler

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