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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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U.N. Appoints First Ambassador To Aliens

Malaysian astrophysicist Mazlan Othman has been designated as the first person extraterrestrial aliens will have contact with, should they exist and visit. What do you think?

  • "In the past, the aliens had to take themselves out to Red Robin, and that is just unacceptable."

    Liam Armstrong Systems Analyst
  • "We already beamed out naked drawings of ourselves years ago. Shouldn't we wait until we get their pictures before talking more?"

    Kaitlyn Fredericksen Sidehand
  • "What makes us so sure the aliens will visit Malaysia first? Discover British Columbia: 'You gotta be here.'"

    Kevin Steineckert British Columbia Tourism Spokesperson

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