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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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U.N. Appoints First Ambassador To Aliens

Malaysian astrophysicist Mazlan Othman has been designated as the first person extraterrestrial aliens will have contact with, should they exist and visit. What do you think?

  • "In the past, the aliens had to take themselves out to Red Robin, and that is just unacceptable."

    Liam Armstrong Systems Analyst
  • "We already beamed out naked drawings of ourselves years ago. Shouldn't we wait until we get their pictures before talking more?"

    Kaitlyn Fredericksen Sidehand
  • "What makes us so sure the aliens will visit Malaysia first? Discover British Columbia: 'You gotta be here.'"

    Kevin Steineckert British Columbia Tourism Spokesperson

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