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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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UN Taking Guns?

The NRA is telling its members that the United Nations wants to take guns from American citizens on July 4th. What do you think?
  • "Has the NRA been paying attention at all? The UN can't make anybody do anything."

    Ben Billings Cable Installer
  • "The NRA is just trying to rile up its members—you know, inject a little enthusiasm into an otherwise placid and contemplative group of people."

    Catherine Weygandt Lifeguard
  • "If the UN has a better way to keep my neighbor's dog off my lawn, I'd love to hear it."

    Tim Benson Cake Decorator

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